The True Gospel: Jesus Was A Martian
Some old shit…
A pedophile spanked a Jew to the rhythm of a rhino’s orgasmic tremors on the dark side of the moon last week. And, in a drunken haze he navigated his spaceship just close enough to witness Austria’s Felix Baumgartner do his supersonic free-fall jump. Unfortunately, he ran out of gas and his ship crashed, so he was stuck watching it online like the rest of us who are so easily amused by such a diminutive act of insignificance.
The pedophile’s name was Charlie and the masters of the universe—more specifically, He-Man—brought us together at a dive bar in Brooklyn last night. Charlie isn’t your average pedophile, you see. He’s actually an interdimensional traveling pedophile. Charlie actually prefers to be called Charlie the Vagabond because as he says with a creepy tone of voice, “I bond vaginas from every reality.” Uh-huh.
Like many drifters, Charlie has accumulated a vast amount of stories over time. Some that would make for a great television series, and others that would make for an interesting feature-length film. Upon asking Charlie why he had never produced a book or a movie script, he told me about the time he met a man whose ancestors once marched on the ancient sands of Israel. His name was Steven and, like I had done on this very night, he met Charlie at a bar. Stories were exchanged and Charlie has never crossed paths with Steven again, at least, not since Steven took one of Charlie’s stories to Hollywood and translated it into a successful motion picture.
So what was it?
It was the true story of Jesus.
As Charlie told me, the stories are true—Jesus did exist. He did heal the sick and he did walk on water after his death. But, unlike the myth or the claims made by skeptics, he was neither the son of god nor a regular man whose life has been exaggerated. Although I was still blown away by the following admission, I was happy to know that there was another side to this classic story. “Jesus was a Martian,” revealed Charlie. After about five minutes of screaming “I knew it,” I gained my composure and asked Charlie to tell me everything.
Apparently, Jesus and his family had been on vacation, traveling throughout the vast universe and they were on their way back home. That’s when Jesus’ brother, Corky, had to use the bathroom. So the family made one last pit stop on Earth before heading back home to Mars. Who would have known that Jesus would never make it back home?
The large twinkle in the sky that the three wise men followed was just Jesus and his family’s spaceship entering Earth’s atmosphere, preparing to land near a camp prepared by Joseph, whose attempts at taking Mary’s V-card fell through, what with everyone’s sudden appearance. Tired, Jesus’ mother remained sleeping inside the spaceship and never noticed her two sons had left. Jesus drained the main vein, as his father Zoolander, instructed him to do so because “he didn’t want to have to stop at that goddamned moon.” So he followed his brother Corky out into the desolate night. In order to avoid staring at each other’s Martian dicks, the two brothers went their separate ways, looking for the perfect spot to pee.
Upon finishing, an oncoming ruckus from Judean king Herod’s henchmen vanquished the night’s silence, throwing everyone into an immediate frenzy. Herod was attempting to kill and eliminate the potential rival to his throne, as was told through the prophecy; therefore, he had the three wise men followed. And, in the sudden panic, both Corky and Jesus tried to finish urinating as quickly as possible before being caught by the thunderous commotion approaching them. Corky made it back to the ship, but Jesus was lost in this shadowy, strange new world. He mistook Joseph and Mary’s romantic camp as his family’s spaceship, snuck in and slid inside of Mary’s vagina before Joseph was able to put it in.
Suddenly, the three wise men show up and they witness Mary screaming in utter pain. Jesus immediately realizes that he made a wrong a turn somewhere, as he peaks his head out and hears his family’s spaceship ascend into orbit, never to be seen again. Meanwhile, the three wise men present their gifts to Jesus after he solemnly climbs out of his now adopted mother’s vagina. And thus, the legend of Jesus was born.
Years later, Jesus becomes homesick but is stuck in a primitive time, with no technology and no way of communicating with his parents. He becomes obsessed with the phrase, “phone home,” which pretty much left everyone around him clueless. Feeling misunderstood, Jesus takes a trip into a forest for about two weeks and attempts to communicate with his family through the only way he knows how—spiritual telekinesis. Through this divine event, Jesus receives a sacred message which dictates the way home through the sacrifice of his physical being , in order to help him progress into the spiritual world. From this point on he goes on a suicide mission, challenging the very hierarchy that tried to capture and kill him many years ago.
Eventually, Jesus died and resurrected. He’s now able to visit his home through spiritual methods, but his essence will forever remain a part of Earth and of his ongoing followers. Charlie told me that in Steven’s motion picture, he gave Jesus the Martian a happy ending where the family returns and Jesus is finally reunited with them after receiving help from a good friend. Steven wasn’t the only one to capitalize on this story; in fact, Charlie told me that the story of Jesus has been replicated many times throughout history, under a different guise, used mainly as a selfish and governing method of mind control.
Before we parted ways, Charlie left me with these last words. “All he wanted was to go home. Tell these motherfuckers to give Jesus back to the Martians.” Who would have known that an inter-dimensional sexual predator could be so compassionate? So here I am, telling you to remove the shackles of man-made religion from your mind. And I only ask, as a favor to Charlie, to please give Jesus back to the Martians. Thank You.