It’s a rare occurrence. It’s almost as rare as finding a four-leaf clover playing chicken with an honest politician. It’s rare, but it happens.
You have to be quiet when you catch something like this taking place. Put yourself in Elmer Fudd’s hunting boots and be “weeeeal quiet.” it’s duck season, motherfucker. Observe the area. That’s integral. Be on the lookout for suspicious activity, feathers, gum wrappers and NYC condoms.
Did you know that ducks have twirling dicks that violently spring into a female duck’s vagina? Did you know that the female’s vagina is equally as twisted as the male’s penis? Well, now you know. Here’s something to think about when you’re staring at a wall: Can a female duck use a curly fry as a dildo?
The last time I caught a duck chewing gum was on a breezy afternoon in the Spring of 1994. I was 8 years-old and I was feeding the ducks by the small pond at Mt. Saint Vincent. There was one particular duck, standing to the side, isolated from the rest of the duck gang. He gave me a funny vibe. It must have been the way he was standing there, smoking his cigarette and chugging a 40oz with his tar sunglasses. A cool duck.
Then it happened. Upon finishing his smoke and emptying out that bottle of Colt 45, he placed a stick of Juicy Fruit in his mouth. The fucking bastard. He chewed that piece of gum with a smug look on his face that screamed “I just finished smoking a cigarette and drinking malt liquor, and yet, you’re impressed by me, a duck, chewing gum? Fuck you, asshole.” He smoothly picked up his T-Birds leather jacket and walked away with an unprecedented swagger I’ve never seen in another web-footed animal.
It’s amazing what you can spy with your little eye when you’re quietly observing the scene, all the while, you’re simultaneously jumping through hurdles in an attempt to evade the vigorous urge to spew out verbal diarrhea. There’s nothing quite like succumbing to the pressures of a nearby conversation that offers nothing more than an unhealthy reduction of intelligence. Oh, and of course, the occasional chuckle. Those are usually followed up with an awkward pause as you study your immediate surroundings to plan your escape.
I like ducks.
In one way, nothing that’s happened in my life has made sense and in another way, all of it has.
I was a shy girl. I wasn’t the valedictorian, I wasn’t the beauty queen. There is nothing I can point to growing up that would have groomed me for any of this. But I observed and I studied, and most importantly I took chances when they were offered to me. I followed Eleanor Roosevelt’s advice – do one thing that scares you each day.
Most importantly, I follow my instinct. I’ve always followed my instinct - the feeling you have when something intangible is nudging you in one direction or another – and it’s as close as I come to a higher power. Here’s what I believe: Say Yes to what the universe puts in front of you, even when there’s no knowing how it will work out. Listen to your intuition with nothing less than awe. Don’t listen to those who judge you, quietly or not. Don’t listen to doubting whispers or negative self-talk, Who do you think you are? You’re a girl (or boy) with a dream, like me.